Undeceivable - morning zen, stuff, night zen...

Nothing to do with Zen at all...

Yay, I got a new job!

After spending a month and a half sweeping the floor of a warehouse and picking items to be sent to shops around the UK, I'm pleased to get the chance to do something more demanding and creative. Yup, a copywriter, I will be again. A copywriter. If I say it really fast, people will think I'm a real writer!

Coming from a family of wordsmiths, it's almost my duty to be a copywriter. And I can't help but feel a little gratitude to the ubiquity of Scrabble boards, books, word-play, and the web-world in the home...

Better get myself a new diktionery dictionary.

Be careful what you blog for!

I've always been aware of the traps of blogging and since I've decided to blog about my Zen practice, I have to be even more careful. I don't know anything about what I'm doing besides what I've learnt from books, various temples, and my experience of sitting. Also, the effects of sitting are often subtle, often limited to the sit and the time immediately after, and sometimes are barely noticeable but for the will to stay balanced rather than give in to thoughts and old habits.

Sometimes, however, it's like everything changes...

When I blog about loving sitting in the sun, or the feeling of the spaces in-between thoughts, that feeling doesn't stop me from being really irritated when I miss a put a golf. But when I miss a put a golf and start to get irritated, I remember those spaces and don't get too carried away. But sometimes the feeling isn't different at all - just a will to not let it bother me!
It feels like a tight-rope sometimes. I don't remember who said it or even if someone did say it, but there's not much distance between being balanced and not-balanced, in my experience. I can write all this stuff about how lovely the moon is and then become so nervous when I meet an old friend, that I barely remember a moon even exists!
I guess Zazen practice is just that. And as you make little baby-steps, it feels good. And I write about those and they encourage me onwards.

Moon Zen

Sitting under the glow of the moon is nice. It reminds me of the story about Ryokan who was late meeting a friend after becoming enraptured with the sight of the moon. And it's the same old moon he looked at all those 'moons' ago. I guess it's that timeless quality that makes it so awe-inspiring to look at. Everyone in the history of mankind (who could see) has looked up at the moon...

Reading that last sentence back, it doesn't seem that profound!

Why do I sit every day?*

Since my first retreat at Throssel in October 2008, I've sat 30 minutes every day, without fail.
Since my second and 1 week long retreat at Throssel on April 20th 2009, I've sat 2 x 30 minutes every day without fail and 4 x 30 minutes at the weekends.
Up until then I'd sat off and on for 7 years - with long periods of not sitting and longer periods of sitting every day for 15 minutes. Sometimes alone, and sometimes at temples in and around Tokyo.

Why do I have to sit?

This question always pops up - why are most people able to just live normal lives without having to sit still and re-connect with something that isn't thinking? Do I have a weird mind? Are my senses over-sensitive to stimulus? I don't think so.

I think it stems from an idealism of sorts - a belief that life can be better, that I can be more considerate of others and less caught up in my own dramas. I'm beginning to accept that we're far from perfect, but am beginning to think that we can forget our imperfectness/perfectness and just live in a good way, moment by moment.

Last weekend we went to a party at my late best friend's house. There's an altar of sorts in the lounge with his picture on and some religious statuettes - everyone at the party aside us were devout Christians. We all sat eating in the lounge with paper plates on our laps and plastic cups by our sides. But one guy had inadvertently placed his plate and cup on the altar. I guess he wasn't aware of what he'd done.

But it made me think of all the times I'd done things without really being aware. And if you're not aware of what you're doing, you're going to act from that mess of conflicting emotions and thoughts that is your brain. And you'll end up doing some stupid stuff...

So maybe that's why I sit.

But on top of that, it's really nice to let everything drop away for a while every day and return to the source...and to keep coming back to it whenever I can, day by day.

*No, I know, no-one asked me why I sit. But someone's got to ask the questions around here!

When angry, be angry!

I've started to feel that it's good to deal with emotions head on and that confronting people is a healthy thing to do.  It's all very well to constantly look inwards and look at why certain things annoy you, but being a calm and unmoved person seems to encourage the worst in people sometimes. Which is why I've started confronting people and what they say. If someone is nasty or vindictive and it seems more than a case of me just being too sensitive, I'm going to express myself rather than turn everything inwards. Not only does this help me, but it also encourages others to be more aware of what they're saying and how it affects people.
I've done this a few times lately, and it's fun! I'll call it PAssertiveness.

Not anything goes...

I've noticed this Blog has become an on-line diary in its purest sense - all about me! Sometimes it feels weird to write about all this stuff on-line. Some of it when I read back sounds like I'm showing off, often I sound like a Zen zealot, some of it sounds like I'm complaining about the smallest things and some of it just seems so introverted I'm surprised when I type it it actually shows on the screen! But it's my diary of my passion for Zazen and the feelings I have around it. Often I write after a sitting so it is infused with that. Zen Master Hakuiin - 'what is the sound of one hand clapping?' guy - wrote a chant in praise of Zazen and I often feel that all I'm doing is praising Zazen. It's like an addiction but a positive addiction.

But I was thinking about how my feelings have changed towards it. Ever since I started in Japan, I was an 'anything goes' Zen guy - as long as I sat everyday or a few times a week, I felt this was enough. I'd forget about it. But now I'm convinced it has to be a moment by moment thing. Not Zen this, Zen that, but just to be careful to pay attention all the time. I can't do everything I always did and expect to feel any different just because I sit a few times. So I've come to believe that to get the best out of this practice, I have to drop a few things, take time out every now and then, not follow the crowd all the time, and to just stand my ground and do things my way.

Anyway, as my readership dwindles and readers get bored of me spouting off about Zen, I'm starting to enjoy my Blog :-)

Being rubbish

I'm 32 so maybe I shouldn't be proud, but today I made an effort to ignore some rather stubborn feelings I have towards socialising. For 2 weeks I knew I had to attend a party on Sunday at a friend's and for 2 weeks I let my worries surface but didn't join in and start justifying them or try and think of something else - I just let them come and go.
Then yesterday, feeling a little tired, I started to worry and got caught up. This morning, I managed to come up with 100 excuses as to why I shouldn't go. There were some good ones!
Anyway, then I just stopped, acknowledged that this is a pattern that will continue as long as I let it. No matter what the event, I can think of an excuse not to go. It wasn't really a fear of anything in particular, rather a lack of anything driving me to go. But that gives rise to a fear of sorts.
So I went. And it was tiring and boring and awkward and sometimes fun and interesting. But now at least I know there's nothing really to fear in socialising - I may just feel awkward or shy or stupid or bored, but that's all. To be comfortable being rubbish at some stuff is important, I reckon, and this is a step in the right direction.

American Independence Day?

Yesterday was my nephew's birthday! We took the Virgin train up to Oxenholme where we were met by Babyatom and then taken to Sedbergh for a day of nice food, playing with Soren, and relaxing in the garden. It was a lovely day. I woke up today looking for something - I was looking for Soren! It's no wonder parents get so attached to their children - in the space of 2 years, I've probably seen him 7 times and yet it feels like a lifetime has passed.

Anyway, happy birthday Mr.Soren!

My feet hurt, it's too hot at work, and I'm going to miss Murray play in the semis!

Never has the title of my post so perfectly described the way I feel.

The Manchester Hermit

My brother (Babyatom) mentioned he'd heard an interview with a hermit the other day on Radio 2. I searched for the name but couldn't find anything about him. And then a senior monk from Throssel who writes a blog - Jade Mountains - started writing about a hermit monk. I connected the dots and realised it was the same person. He's currently spending 40 days and 40 nights in a medievel tower in the Manchester Museum and writes a fascinating blog offering readers the chance to debate whether or not he should destroy certain relics. He started with a skull. I was going to post a comment but had no idea what to write - it's very interesting though: The Manchester Hermit.

After a long, hard day - Zazen

Working in a tin-can warehouse on a day like today, it gets mighty hot. After 8 hours of walking around like a zombie - with a mind as sharp as a spoon, it was a real pleasure sitting tonight. Recently I've been sitting with the patio door open facing the garden. Sometimes facing the wall seems too much like hard work on a beautiful evening like today. So I sit facing the suicidal moths that bash against the light, and listen to the owls and passing cars. When doing Zazen, there's nowhere better to be, than here. Doing Zazen on top of a beautiful Japanese hillside isn't tempting. Nor is Zazen on a deserted island in the Pacific Ocean. Nor is Zazen against the background of a nice house, nice job, loving family. Zazen as I am, right now is fine.

Having said that, working in a hot tin-can warehouse sucks and is not fine - now or never!

Blur at Glastonbury

I've really enjoyed Glastonbury from the comfort of my sofa this year. I haven't been before but this is probably the first year I've watched it religiously for 3 days. My highlight though was Universal by Blur. The "really really could happen" chorus was wonderful - whatever it means, it feels like it embraces everything...whatever that means! I've seen them a couple of times as a teenager and it was great to see them again. A lot of their songs have such nice melodies, they work really well at a festival. And it's nice to see them all getting along. There were a few glistening eyes both on-stage and off-stage:

Other highlights for me were Lady Gaga, Peter Doherty, Maximo Park, Bon Iver, White Lies, The Noisettes playing acoustic, Glasvegas doing Be My Baby, and Florence and the Machine.

Glasvegas - Daddy's Gone:

Next year it'll be my first Glastonbury! Exciting!

Attention attention attention

The Ikkyu San cartoon I posted a few days ago is loosely - very loosely - based on the 15th century Zen master of the same name. And the following words are attributed to him (Well, just the second bit!):
“Will you please write some maxims of the highest wisdom?” a man asked Ikkyu san. “Attention, attention, attention!” he wrote.

It's not always easy to pay attention to life. Sometimes I get lost in thoughts and get carried away with worries about the future, regrets about the past, excitement for the future, and nostalgia for the past. I could try paying attention to not paying attention but after a while my brain would get pretty confused!
It really does seem quite obvious though - the things I like most are the things I do with complete attention. So it naturally follows that if I pay attention to everything I do, I'll begin to like it all a bit more...

Thanks Mr. Ikkyu!

Apocalypse Now?

I haven't remembered a dream for ages so last night's was a real surprise:

A huge flood engulfed the Earth but as we live on a little hill, we escaped it - but we didn't escape the consequences! As I woke up I could hear noises outside my window and drew the curtains. Huge birds flew overhead and the water had flooded our garden. In the distance I saw zebras, lions, elephants, rhinos, even giraffes being taken by the water, coming straight for our house. I knew it was due to global warming and felt a rush of guilt. I never thought it would happen in my lifetime. I quickly understood that the water levels had risen and that animals from Africa had been taken by the tide all the way to the UK.

I don't know what happened after that. I think I woke up. I drew the curtains and...nothing.

I also dreamt of Glastonbury - someone in the audience had some blow up animals. I imagined what it would be like playing on stage. If I were the band, I'd ask for a blow up giraffe and hug it on-stage, I dreamt.

I think there's a dream-link going on here!

Zen and the art of Glastonbury

I've got one of those brains (maybe you have one too!) that gets excited really easily so even if I'm liking something, I quickly get too excited and miss what I'm actually doing. It's a weird thing. You'd think that doing thinks you like to do brings happiness - but for me, I don't think that's the case. So tonight I was watching Glastonbury for a couple of hours, really enjoying watching Lily Allen, Lady Gaga, The Makabees, and Little Boots and then realised, oh, I'm not enjoying it any more - I'm just watching because I'm stuck. So without really thinking, I grabbed by Zafu,did 30 minutes Zazen in the garden, then came back and watched some more. It really helped me enjoy Glastonbury more. I'm finding it's becoming a much more applicable art now - not just something I do for 30 minutes and then leave. It's a growing awareness of what I need to fully enjoy this life right now and by consequence not be a nuisance or harm to those around me.

You and I must make a pact...

My first thought after the initial shock at seeing the headline in the Sun - "Jacko Dead", was how sad it is that an icon from my childhood had died. He was huge when we were growing up and he was the thing. Admittedly, he turned a little strange. I don't know how strange he actually was - what was rumour and what was truth - but he was a little loopy.

There's no denying though that Michael Jackson was a musical genius who created some great tunes, tunes which I grew up with. So it is a sad day for music indeed.

A letter

I've often said in the past that I wanted to become a Zen monk. But I think it was more a case of I wanted to become like Ikkyu san in the Japanese cartoon:

I just wanted to become someone else rather than deal with what I am. But I couldn't do it and have great admiration for those that can and do.

I got a letter from a friend who is becoming a monk in the future and it's quite moving to really think about what it entails. Good on him though!

It's not what you think

Following on from the 'night shift serial killer', today I met the Lennie "Of Mice and Men" guy. He's very tall, a little over weight, pretty dirty looking and never ever says hello unless you're a cute Polish girl. The last couple of times I've passed him, I've ignored him. But today I said hello. He ignored me.

But I'm sticking to my philosophy - he is a nice guy. I'm certain of it. Yeah, he might have killed a few things by accident and been rude to bus drivers, but he doesn't mean it. Sometimes he even looks after birds with broken wings.

It's never ever what you think.

In other news, I'm an uncle...again. My niece/nephew is pretty cute I think you'll agree! It's nice being an uncle - to be depended on, in a way. As a younger brother, I never had the chance to be the one who helps or looks after. So it's nice and something to learn.

Ping pong and the slowness of time

During our lunch break we played ping pong again. It's a lovely game, indeed. The sound of the ball against the table and bats, as the rally speeds up is a real incentive to improve. We had some really fast rallies.

Whilst playing I kept glancing at the clock so as not to be late back and noticed that time was moving very slowly indeed. When you're completely immersed in something, time is meant to go fast isn't it? Maybe I kept looking at the clock so much, I became more immersed in clock-watching than ping pong. But even so, it seemed a little strange...

If I could live my life over again, I'd become a ping pong professional.

Lupin lupin

We went for a walk in a nearby village and strolled round the gardens. One house had an incredible array of lupins: